I Yearn

I close my eyes, darkness brings light,
its a single fleeting moment, I'm on stage, no fright
ears absorb the applause, Oh! the applause
for that I yearn everyday, for what is, what was.


The deep red color on my fingers smudge,
the heat of the lights is warm on my skin,
the smell of make up melting with sweat,
I'm short of breath, my palms are so wet

Instruments and singers, my puppeteers or are they?
Never do I want to be separated from all this,
so grand, this has to be the music of life,
its helping me live, let it blare through the mike

Shaken and stirred, was my soul into my limbs
dissolving it thoroughly into all my molecules.
Cameras flash, is this the limelight they talk about
I'm center stage, my heart is scared, but without doubt.

The dance is freely flowing though my body
my feet are heavy with the weight of my bells,
My chest is hollow with its beating heart
this stage and me, don't keep us apart

Is Power Happiness?

P.S (pre script) how much I tell myself.. writing soppy articles about relationships is so not what I'm supposed to do! I need to get real... but Yeah! What the hell! This is pretty relevant okay!

Was watching this movie 'Ghosts of my Girlfriends Past' when this amazingly true line about relationships caught both my friend's and my attention.
 "Power in all relationships always lies with whoever cares less"

Now that totally struck a cord. I don't know why i always felt and I'd like to still believe that I've cared a lot and tried very hard to make things work. And a broken heart after a failed attempt always wanted to say something on the lines of all-men-are-dogs, never-love-again, never-remember-dates-in-a-relationship-and-make-the-guy-feel-unimportant et cetera et cetera.... but this line just amassed all those vague wanna-be-statements-of-wisdom and gave a clear picture. Its true! Didn't it always seem like the other one cared so much less from the side of the lake you were standing??!!

For a brief amount of time, we did get carried away by the oh-so-typical-chick-flick-plot! We caught the bait! So the line actually impacted us very much.

However, at the ending, in the part where everything's getting fixed after a mess we thought we'd never recover from, Bam! he proposes a toast- he says
        "but power isn't happiness! And May be, Happiness comes from caring more about people                          rather than less" 

And I thought that was beautiful, that was genius! I have to confess, (may be I'm naive but) i never thought of any of it in that way.
Its is true that true happiness lies in the joy of giving, being thoughtful about small things and leaving those little notes on the fridge, fixing those little hiccups of day whatever they are, making that one phone call in a busy day to tell that you do remember.
Its beautiful and makes me happy. And I am gonna keep trying for whoever it is, to care more, because at the end of the day, when you ask yourself Is Power Happiness? you get the answer....

I'm Sorry! I Can't Love You Back

u have that perfect smile like the morning sun

makes me feel like i have a purpose, i have a day

u have the correct words, like a voice in my head

giving me exactly what i want to hear, exactly what i want

u have the magic i need to stop me from crying

when i feel like crying is the only way out

u have the strength to swallow my anger,

when my rage sets out to destroy everything

u have all those beautiful meticulous plans

orchestrated to sweep me off my feet

u have that eye for detail and an eye for mine too

i know you'd love every present i'd make for you

u, from where i stand, seem like the perfect one for me

all my friends have the same thing to say

but sometimes, and what a pity sometimes,

your perfectness is something i just did not want

you were just not the one i was looking for

its just not enough that your so perfect,

its just not enough that you love me,

and its so sad that the one i love or atlease think i do

cant ever be all these things i wanted him to be

can never love me as much as i do, as much as u do!

I Found My God!

The giant leap of Faith, I couldn't seem to take yet.
so many missing answers, more questions piling in my head.
Religion and Rules defined ways to be
but believer or not, the line wasn't defined for me.

Of science and reason, we speak trying to explain what is fair

yet, in dark times, we cut deals asking Him to answer our prayers

The stories were all so beautiful,  the grandeur and the mystic,

sometimes a moral at the ending, and sometimes just fantastic ,

but never did they inspire me enough, to believe in religion, that God had a face,

to believe that spirituality was in the rituals, and was sufficient to find his Grace,

It was not the face of God that I needed, but just some Faith in Him

to fight mockery and questions in the self contradicting times we live in 

In a quest I was, searching for reasons to push me towards Him,
for answers to my Why's, in every little thing my search would begin
and So I found a realization, an answer within
a path to make peace with myself, a side in me shall now win.

and I found it in the way I moved, I found it in the way I felt,
that this dance was going to be the bridge to my soul, under the carping pelt

beyond my relentless effort, after the physical activity that only brought sweat
by body began to give away to the delight of this dance, paying back my debt
As my face began to unfold with Bhavam
And my body began to sway to the Raagam
As my feet moved to the Taalam,
The strength and grace I felt in my Natyam
There was a void of nothing-ness I felt within
yet a single dot of concentration grew in

understanding life, its vastness and nuances
telling stories, old, new and magnificent

understanding that I can be so beautiful and strong
and depict white and black as right and wrong

I find myself at the threshold of a vast space, a beginning of a day

a long journey it is, a lot to achieve but at least I know my way

I can clearly see, that I found what makes me happy, I found the facade
I found what what I want to keep doing, I found my God... 

obnoxiously beautiful...

it stood there, still and strong

staring at me all along

passed off as obnoxious graffiti

tangled words separated the wall and me

the spray-painted mayhem was now giving it away

as a little more attention i payed to it today

marijuana, peace, sex and freedom

anonymous authors and thoughts at random

drawings of wings, drawings of guns

old classic movies and swear words that flung

blissful thoughts of drugs and stories of killed brothers

stories lost in the crowd of the stories of so many others

there was no room for new stories but they wrote over each other

sort of like how their lives worked…i touched the wall and wondered

a cluster of color and words. How obnoxiously beautiful!

If you had eyes to read, there was a story cramped on a wall

In The Eye of a Musical Hurricane

As I listen to the words

Knitted in music and rhythm

The sense flows down my ears

Which my heart begins to fathom

The string of words dance gracefully

Like a delicate scent conquering over the air

Luring me into getting lost

And falling in love with what the song bears.

But the music itself seems like a storm,

All raged up and striding away

Leaving behind a rich patina

That makes the song so rich yet fray

Fray because it wearing away

And revealing its greater secrets

I’m now staring into the writer’s eyes

Words amassing into a human face.

And so a song is so human to me

Yet divine and chaste, with sanctity.

Here in the eye of this musical hurricane

Is where I find my soul, my serenity

First Love

Reading my diary of 2004

I wondered if my wounds were still any sore

The pages smelt of magic and more

A few happy memories and the bad ones I tore.

In cute hearts and scribbled flowers

I stuck his blurred pictures which I stared at for hours,

A prized possession I always believed it was

Adorable he looked, despite all his flaws.

When he passed by me, through those school corridors,

Our eyes would meet and the world around just froze.

The moment would pass, but its momentum seemed to never

I’d enact the reactions I should have given instead, for hours in my shower.

Hours would pass by,

Practicing conversations in front of the mirror,

But one phone call form him,

And nothing could I remember.

Pages of my diary, I’d fill with curses

On the days I missed him and waited for his call,

But the call only came to break my heart

When he said lets end, once and for all.

Sounds of the classroom were a blur since then,

All that was in my head were needle sharp questions,

The world became more distant and disparagingly dim,

Tiring me to death was my misery and him.

But years have gone by now and I’ve completely healed,

I look back and laugh it it’s not a big deal,

Under the weight of time, like a fossil, it’s buried deep,

I don’t try to dig it out, and it doesn’t bother me.

Dates that were important to me then,

Are slowly fading away from my head.

More people have come along my way,

And more diaries I filled about them.

But the heart never beat that fast again,

A heartbreak never heart that bad again,

The purity and innocence of my first love’s magic,

Was something I lost. And never found again.